Family – Page 4 – Finding My Wings

Family business, family drama – a holiday weekend two-fer

IN A NUTSHELL A HOLIDAY WEEKEND TWO-FER

As Close to Us as Breathing by Elizabeth Poliner (Lee Boudreaux Books, 2016)
In 40 words or less: Three sisters and their families traverse personal and societal minefields in post-WWII Connecticut. The family beach cottage holds their happiest memories but is also the site of a life-changing tragedy.
Genre: Fiction
Locale: Connecticut
Time: 1948 – 2000, with flashbacks
Read this for a complex family story that brings in the complexities of a changing society.

*******************************

The Two-Family House by Lynda Cohen Loigman (St. Martin’s Press, 2016)
In 40 words or less: The business and personal lives of two very different brothers and their families are intricately woven together. Loigman’s family drama lays out the corrosive nature of family secrets and the price to be paid by all.
Genre: Fiction
Locale: New York
Time: 1947 – 1970
Read this for a family story that reinforces the old adage “be careful what you wish for!”

*******************************

Elizabeth Poliner’s and Lynda Cohen Loigman’s novels feature families that are close emotionally, physically and economically. Both books have as the historical setting the years following World War II. It’s no coincidence. It was a period of great transition with those family-owned businesses that survived the Depression and the war flourishing. Ethnic and religious prejudices are lessening a bit, although there remains the expectation that people will ultimately “stay with their own kind.” With new prosperity, families are leaving apartments in the city for new homes in the suburbs.

In As Close to Us as Breathing, three sisters spend their summer in their family cottage in a small shoreline Jewish enclave nicknamed Bagel Beach, as they did during their own childhoods. The telling of the story is shared by 12-year-old Molly, the middle child of the eldest sister, Ada, and an omniscient narrator. The novel begins with the announcement that Davy, Molly’s 8-year-old brother, will die that summer in an accident.

During the work week, the three sisters – Ada, Vivie and Bec- share close quarters with Ada’s three children – 18-year-old Howard, Molly and Davy – and Vivie’s daughter Nina. Friday afternoon Howard, Ada’s husband, and Vivie’s husband Leo, would drive out to spend the Sabbath with their families. Howard’s brother, Nelson, was left in Middletown to mind Leibritsky’s Department Store, the business built by the sisters’ parents. Each person plays a distinctive role within the family.

As within every family, there are grudges held and sacrifices made. Poliner shares their secrets carefully, only to further the story. In ways small and large, characters chafe against societal expectations. The importance of respect within the family is seen in how these choices are hidden from those closest to them.

As Close to Us as Breathing is a wonderful period piece and family novel. Poliner takes extraordinary care to describe the details that paint the picture of their lives. While accidents like the one that claims Davy’s life are fortunately rare, the complex relationships that affect the family’s reactions ring true. Key to the success of the storytelling is the pacing which naturally follows the story itself. This novel has an excellent balance between character and plot and is worthy of inclusion in your summer reading.

While the catalyzing incident in Poliner’s book occurs in the summer, a winter storm sets into motion all that follows in Lynda Cohen Loigman’s The Two-Family House. Abe and Mort are brothers who own a cardboard box company in New York. Together they also own a two-family brownstone where Abe lives upstairs with his wife Helen and their four sons. Downstairs are Mort, his wife Rose, and their three daughters. While the brothers couldn’t be more different in temperament, Rose and Helen are the glue that keeps everything going.

As Helen and Abe celebrate their eldest son becoming bar mitzvah, Helen sees her sons needing less and less of her and wishes she had a daughter with whom to share experiences. At the same time, it is clear Mort regrets not having a son to become bar mitzvah and does not really understand daughters. When both Rose and Helen find themselves pregnant once again, they hope that the missing piece for each family will be found.

Several weeks before the babies are due, both Mort and Abe must go to Philadelphia overnight for a business meeting that may determine the future of their company. A blizzard blows in and both women go into labor. Fortunately, a midwife is nearby and can attend to the births. When the men return, each is surprised and delighted to meet their children – a daughter for Abe, a son for Mort. From that day forward both family’s lives are changed forever.

At what should be a time of great joy, tensions within and between the families grow. Judith, Mort and Rose’s eldest daughter, seems to bear the brunt of it. Judith is a wonderful writer, acknowledged by awards from school, but her father dismisses her accomplishments and creates barriers for her. As her mother also becomes more distant, she seeks out her aunt for advice and comfort, further increasing the mother-daughter rift.

From the beginning, Natalie and Teddy, the babies, were raised together. As they grew, they insisted upon it, even having dinners in each others’ homes on a regular schedule. And the curiosity and innocence of the young uncovered long-held secrets. As a duo, they managed to soften the hard edges that their parents’ had developed.

As the years pass, the family business thrives though the family relationships are not as lucky. Eventually, both families leave the brownstone for the suburbs, lessening the day-to-day tensions between Helen and Rose but at the cost of increased isolation for all. A horrific accident further fractures the family rather than drawing it together. Bit by bit, some of the secrets are revealed.

People are fascinated by the possibility of children being switched at birth. Loigman has used this fascination to good effect by including the reader in from the very beginning. The characters make choices in revealing some of the secrets. In doing so it is emphasized that there can be healing or hurt in the telling.

Unlike in Poliner’s novel, only a limited number of the characters are fully drawn. Loigman’s focus hones in on the effect of the secrets on each. What we see in The Two-Family House are two families entwined by business loyalty, nurtured through marriages, and almost destroyed for not leaving well enough alone. Loigman seems to hold a soft spot in her heart even for some of her more imperfect characters. Choosing to end the novel decades after its start allows time and societal change to bring about some healing that the relationships between family members couldn’t.

‘All Who Go Do Not Return’: One Man’s View of a Hidden World

IN A NUTSHELL Unknown - Version 2

All Who Go Do Not Return by Shulem Deen (Graywolf Press, 2015)
In 40 words or less: A rare portrayal of a former Hasidic Jew’s departure from the community and loss of faith.
Genre: Memoir
Locale: New York
Time: Contemporary

The copyright page of Shulem Deen’s wrenching memoir has an unusual statement: “Disclaimer: This is a work of creative nonfiction. Many of the names, and some minor identifying details, have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. All the people in the book are real and the events described actually took place. ….” It goes further delineating other changes he may have made, not substantially altering the narrative.

I can’t count the number of memoirs I’ve read over the last decade. With each book, I’ve wondered how the author has been able to recount so many instances of daily living. Certainly with celebrity memoirs there are questions about what liberties may have been taken to embellish or airbrush out situations. What makes this memoir so different?

Shulem Deen is a writer and former Skverer Hasid. Most Skverer Hasidim are members from birth, with a large and extensive network of family members. Deen is the child of parents who chose an ultra-Orthodox life as adults, and not as Skverers. His father further distinguished himself by his teaching and associations outside the Hasidic world. This far from conventional upbringing set him apart from the community from the beginning. Glimpses he gives into his childhood suggest Deen was never one to easily acquiesce to communal rules, a personality trait that foreshadows his inevitable banishment from the Hasidic community and enforced estrangement from his family.

In the last five years there have been a number of memoirs, fictionalized accounts and outsider portraits of Hasidic life from the perspective of women who have left their communities for differing reasons. All Who Go Do Not Return is the first book to draw back the curtain on the details of the day in-day out influence of the Rebbe and his inner circle on the lives of all within the community. From the selection of potential spouses, enforcement of laws of family purity, decisions on who will pursue additional study and who must secure approved employment beyond the hall of study- it’s all there.

The intimate details of the creation of a family and its eventual dissolution are the most uncomfortable to read. The shidduch, match, results in total strangers starting up a household with virtually no knowledge of what a marriage entails – physically, emotionally, practically or financially. In the case of Deen and his wife, without an extensive family network or well-connected elders, their marriage started off at an even greater disadvantage. Even with the most supportive family, a select cadre of the Rebbe’s trusted provided guidance and made recommendations on everything from consummation of the marriage to how and when to pursue additional employment.

As the Deen family grew from one child to, eventually, five, the economic pressures to support the family on their own grew. To meet the demands, Deen became a tutor to young yeshiva students, allegedly on secular topics. He contends this was really just a front and that the governmentally funded sessions were dedicated to augmenting the boys study of Torah. This is consistent with the conditions currently under investigation in a number of New York yeshivot where it is alleged that the studies do not meet minimum standards for English, math and other secular subjects.

Eventually, the family’s financial needs required Deen seek employment outside the community. By this time he had begun to engage in forbidden practices: listening to the radio, discovering the Internet and very tame movies using a VCR and television. While he initially kept these practices hidden from his wife, she soon became suspicious and he shared the discoveries with her. These experiences made him more employable but only if he altered the distinctive wardrobe worn by the Skverers.

At the beginning of his exploration of the secular world Deen responds with curiosity and wonder at what he is experiencing. Over time he increasingly questions the legitimacy of the Skverer leadership and norms and his personal spirituality and faith. More and more he separates himself from communal prayer and activities. Not only does this place him under suspicion but it endangers the position of the rest of his family within the community. Ultimately he is forced to leave the community and expelled from all contact with the community’s members.

This book is a fascinating portrait of one man’s journey of self-discovery. In losing his faith he also lost his family. At times it is painful to read the details of the Deen family life. It is tragic when a loving parent is separated from his or her children. It’s small comfort to consider how unlikely it is that his wife or children will ever read the book. After all, such worldly reading is forbidden.

Americanah: An oh, so contemporary novel

IN A NUTSHELL Unknown - Version 2

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (Alfred A. Knopf, 2013)
In 40 words or less: A story that gives life to the personal struggles two young people in contemporary Nigeria, America and Britain. Through their eyes issues of immigration, racism and multiculturalism are brought forward. Long but well worth the effort!
Genre: Literary Fiction
Locale: Nigeria, United States, Great Britain
Time: Contemporary
Read this for a meaty story of generations adapting to change and confronting change delayed.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is deservedly a darling of current literary circles. Each of her novels has won numerous awards and her recent book length essay, We Should All be Feminists, which started as a TEDx talk, is considered a seminal work (pun intended) on the topic. Her novel Half of a Yellow Sun, brings to life the devastating Biafran conflict that tore apart Nigeria in the late 1960s.

In Americanah, Adichie introduces Ifemelu and Obinze, bright, loving young Nigerians who must leave their homeland to seek opportunity abroad. While college students, Nigeria is ruled by the military and universities are often closed due to strikes and other disruptions and prospects for success afterwards are few. America post-9/11 is particularly unfriendly to young men from Africa so, despite his love for all things American, Obinze ends up in England. Ifemelu secures a partial graduate school scholarship and joins family in Brooklyn. Soon on her own in Philadelphia, she struggles – making ends meet, understanding American-English and norms, and confronting racism for the first time. Her connection to Obinze is her beacon. At her lowest moment, she cuts off communication, though never relinquishing the connection.

Ifemelu had a keen eye for cultural and political nuances of being an African woman versus an African-American woman in America. Arriving in the US a couple of years before the election of President Obama, her experience is imbued with the changes his candidacy and election brings. Throughout her time in several cities on the east coast, her warmth and wit bring her friends and rich relationships. Initially as a lark, she turns a blog into a forum for discussions on race, politics and people. Eventually leaving school behind, Ifemelu becomes a full-time blogger. After several years she makes the choice to return home.

Obinze’s acclimation to England is more difficult. Without family as a touchpoint and school as a focus, he scrambles to find work without a visa and gets drawn into the British equivalent of the green card marriage scam. Throughout he remains in love with Ifemelu and can’t understand the silence. Forced to return to Nigeria, there he achieves all the outward symbols of a very successful life.

There is a very contemporary feel to this novel. The characters are working to launch their lives in very uncertain times. Without the internet, they’d be unable to maintain and fracture connections. Politics has a role but is not all-pervasive. Religion is only mentioned in passing. This measured attention allows day-to-day life to shine through.

This is a long book, at 588 pages almost twice the length the book groups I work with typically choose. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie not only tells a story but informs the reader as well. Her characters are smart and expressive. Her descriptions of places and situations are vivid, almost as if a movie camera is panning the scene. The novel deals with immigration, multiculturalism, racism and the haves and have-nots. The view of daily life in Nigeria before and after her time in the US is so detailed that you can feel the heat and smell the food. And throughout there is the universal draw of family, both by birth and by choice. Consider the time required to absorb this novel an investment well made.

The Seven Good Years – Keret’s wisdom packs a punch

IN A NUTSHELL Unknown - Version 2

The Seven Good Years by Etgar Keret (Riverhead Books, 2015)
In 40 words or less: Keret captures life’s small moments and profound truths in the period from the birth of his son through his father’s death. An extraordinary writer, his brilliance is seen in his brevity.
Genre: Memoir
Locale: Israel and travels
Time: Current
Book Group Potential: Each short piece (4 or 5 pages) focuses on a specific aspect of life. There is truly something for everyone.

From the moment I started the first page of Keret’s wonderful book I tried to ration my reading to make it last longer. Each of the seven years between the birth of his son, Lev, and the death of his father has its own section, providing natural breaks to savor. The book is a compilation of essays, most originally appearing in a variety of well-respected publications. Some poignant, others laugh-out-loud funny, taken together they bring to mind Joni Mitchell’s song The Circle Game.

As those who have become parents know, there is a cosmic shift in one’s world view as soon as your child is born. One’s sense of responsibility grows, the dangers in the world may seem more profound and there is often a much greater respect for the intelligence and sacrifice of one’s own parents. In this regard, Etgar Keret is like most of the rest of us but has the knack for conveying these messages through the quirky details of daily life.

Beyond his reputation as a writer of absurd, wry and ironic short stories and screenplays, Keret is a voice of modern life in Israel. There is a flavor in many vignettes that is uniquely Israeli, with a fatalistic humor born of decades of conflict. Reading about a conversation among parents of toddlers regarding the compulsory military service of their children fifteen years away would seem ridiculous were there not such a sense of foreboding, since every Israeli family has been touched by the wars and attacks. On the flip side, the reporting of the ongoing exchanges with the telemarketer from the satellite TV company has a small town feel unlike any spam calls I’ve received this century.

Throughout the book we meet other members of Keret’s immediately family. His wife, an acclaimed artist in her own right, is seen as his partner and the mother of his child. Maintaining a relationship with his ultra-orthodox sister mirrors the complexity of the religious and secular conflicts in Israeli daily life. His childhood friends and the people on the street fill out the picture of life he paints.

Bit by bit, Keret shares his admiration for the way his father has chosen to live his life. Born in Poland, Keret’s father was forced into hiding in a hole for over a year during WWII. He shares his father’s audacity in Italy prior to heading to Palestine. Despite the trauma he suffered, he is described as a man who cultivated an attitude of gratitude for all things in his life. The final sections of the book follow family shifts as his father is diagnosed with cancer and makes choices on how to spend his remaining time.

Whether at home or speaking or writing while abroad, Keret’s love for and impatience with Israel are clear. Nowhere is it more poignant than when he walks along the Mediterranean in Italy and realizes both share the same sea but very different feelings of security. And he is more than a dutiful son when he visits the area of Poland his family called home before it was taken away by the Nazis.

Buy The Seven Good Years as a gift for yourself. It is a book to keep on your nightstand for a brief refresher course in what it means to be human.

Not a lot of staying in this “stay-cation”

There is nothing like out of town visitors, especially those with children, to give you a completely new perspective on your hometown. Last week was jam-packed with favorite haunts and new surprises in the DC area.

It had been way too long since my niece had visited. She and her wonderful husband brought their two boys for their first introduction to the nation’s capital. As a dutiful great-aunt, I spent lots of time beforehand pouring over maps and articles about the latest and greatest activities for visitors to DC. Fortunately all that prep time was well spent and made the visit a lot smoother and more fun for all. While they did some exploration on their own, I was very happy to be included on most excursions. Continue reading Not a lot of staying in this “stay-cation”

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: